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Venezuela's Maduro:

Wiping his butt with American diplomats

Which is a hygienic necessity given that Venezuela suffers from a critical shortage of toilet paper. Blaming September’s Power Grid collapse and other sundry failures of late in the small country’s economic machine (including the TP shortage), Mr. Maduro has cast a disparaging brown-tipped finger at three of our Diplomatic Corps as the culprits responsible for the lack of sanitary wiping paper, and has excreted them from his country, with extreme prejudice.

In an earlier editorial, Soylent Brown, which regrettably, given the title, has nothing to do with the absence of toilet paper in Venezuela, we speculated that before Chavez’s body grew cold the CIA would be making end-runs into Venezuela at the behest of American Oil interests: To destabilize the succeeding leadership and translate Venezuela’s vast petroleum reserves back to Conoco Phillips. We just hadn’t considered that our government would stoop to this lowly depth: Talk about fundamental deprivation.

Will Maduro persevere? Will the US back off and unfurl the roll of friendship? Will Maduro retreat to the Cobb and Sand? In the interim, avoid shaking hands with Venezuelan tourists until further notice.