How I Met Your Mother:

The Never-Made Episode About the International Criminal Court

Warren-Hill

Editor@TheIndependentDaily.com

In this episode, Marshall quits his job with his upscale law firm and finds employment with the International Criminal Court (ICC).

Set: Ted’s apartment.

Cast: Marshall, Lily, Ted, Barney and Robin

Marshall: So guess what happened today at the office…

Barney: You hooked up a Broway with two other lawyers in the men’s room and decided to leave Lily and little Marvin for a gay relationship in San Francisco?

Marshall: No…that was last week. Today I quit my job…again. I can’t stand working for that firm any longer. I didn’t go to law school and become a lawyer just to prostitute myself.

Robin: So you’re going to pimp Lily out instead?

Lily: Robin, don’t be a douche.

Ted: You know, I always meant to mention, Marshall, that you don’t really sound like a lawyer to me…you’re…forgive me for saying this, but you sound kind of too…stupid to have made it through undergraduate school, let alone law school.

Barney: It’s the way the script is written for this series…Ted! America’s really dumbed down. I mean, remember that half of America is intellectually below average, and that the average has fallen substantially over the last few decades, too. So, if the writers were to make Marshall say things that were consistent with his intellect, then less than half of our viewers would understand.

Robin: You nailed it, Barney…bump this! (She extends her fist.)

Lily: So what are we going to do, sweetie. I mean we have to support little Marvin, and what about the apartment?

Marshall: Well that’s the good news, Lilypad. I got a new job already. I start tomorrow as Chief Prosecutor for the International Criminal Court in the Hague.

Barney: That’s next to Tribeca, isn’t it?

Marshall: No, it’s in the Netherlands.

Barney: It’s in your nether regions?

Ted: The Netherlands, Barney. The International Criminal Court is the international tribunal responsible for bringing to justice those who commit atrocities, like, you know, genocide.

Robin: You mean like you people did in Iraq?

Barney: What do you mean, “you people”? O, that’s right, you’re Canadian…eh.

Marshall: She’s right, sort-of, Barney. Except back in 2002 when we first started HIMYM and President Bush was in office, he refused to sign-on to the Rome Statute.

Robin: (Nervous laugh) Yeah…and a year later he ordered the invasion of Iraq…it was so bogus. But he knew that if he signed the Rome Statute, given what he was about to do, that he’d probably find his ass in a slammer in Europe awaiting trial on…wait for it…War Crimes. I covered this on Channel 1 back then, you know…nobody cared, though.

Barney: You have no audience, Robin.

Robin: Yeah, right. Nobody did who opposed invading Iraq.

Lily: Well maybe President Obama will endorse the ICC now and place us under their judicial purview.

Robin: Their what?

Marshall: Not likely, Lily. In more than four years he’s done nothing but give lip service to the ICC because he has his own war agenda…remember we’re still in Afghanistan, and he’s deployed us into Nigeria…Syria may be next.

Ted: But that’s to protect Big Oil.

Marshall: Oil Shmoil, we’re killing innocent civilians with our misguided Drone systems and through our military. And that’s why he won’t sign it either.

Robin: But isn’t the president and everyone always ranting about bringing international criminals to justice?

Marshall: Yeah, but not our own.

Robin: Seems kind of hypocritical.

Ted: Do you think? Geez…hold everyone else up to a standard of morality by which we ourselves won’t abide. It’s unconscionable…I don’t know why anyone who’s been brought to trial hasn’t raised the issue.

Barney: You mean, like, “You can place me on trial when you bring the murderer, George Bush to trial?”

Ted: Yeah, something like that.

Barney: Ted, look: Most Americans are like the women I bang. You know that.

Ted: That stupid? (laugh track)

Robin: Let’s go downstairs and get a drink.

Lily: It’s only seven in the morning and I have to teach kindergarten in an hour…but I guess a few cocktails won’t hurt…lead the way.

Fade-Out

In the opening titles of our film, The Abduction and Trial of George Bush (view online for free here), we mention the coincidental nature of Bush’s refusal in 2002 to endorse the Rome Statute and to thereunder subject America’s leadership to the same moral standards as we impose on other countries. Of course, the reason for Bush’s rejection became apparent in March 2003 with the invasion of Iraq resulting in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of women and children, many of whom were “intentionally targeted” (key phraseology).

Think about who we are in America. Think about what we’ve become. We are not a beacon of freedom any longer: We are the harbinger of death. That’s why there is no other nation in the world more hated…

Other nations and peoples are not jealous of our now-depleted wealth: they fear us as we do ourselves.

Editor’s Note: The author denies that this episode was advanced to the producers of the popular TV show referenced, and that he has no connection with the show in any way. It’s intent is to cause the reader to consider the implications of our conflicting position regarding the ICC and the tribunal’s mission.