Boomers ask: Retirement or Work?

Editor@TheIndependentDaily.com

Human Resources Representative: So, tell me where you’d like to be in five years?

You: Alive?

At the moment there are more than one million people over 55 years of age actively seeking employment in our confused job market. That is, of my fellow American Baby Boomers remaining on this planet, about 20 million or so of whom are still vertical some of the time, 5% are looking for work. Many of the rest have given up on seeking traditional employment (read below) and are setting out on their own to establish new ventures.

What makes the job market so confusing is that most (nearly all) of those jobs we held a few decades ago have either been off-shored to other countries or rescinded by technology. America today is a hotbed of Service Sector employment: As we’ve said many times over in this journal – we make very little any longer. Until recently...

Apparently, according to various resources, Boomers are once-again leading the way into the future, for however long we may do so, given mortality and all that, making it an even longer “strange trip.”

Read Steve Matthews’ well-researched article here on MSN on Entrepreneurship amongst we Boomers.

But, for those who do not have the entrepreneurial spirit what jobs are available to older Americans seeking work?

Human Resources Representative: Well they say that 60 is the new 40.

You: Really? My penis has gotten the news yet.

Steve Yoder with the Fiscal Times prepared a list awhile back that delineated areas of employment for those of us in our Golden Years (F*** You, Steve). Yoder’s list of jobs, and our understanding as to why he suggests each, included:

Dietician, because we know which Scotch goes best with cigars and cocktail weenies.

Mediator, owing to our abusive opinions about everybody and everything.

Santa Claus (really F*** You, Steve, you young punk).

Retirement Coach, because we’re looking for work – does that make any sense at all?

Non-Profit Fund Raiser – OK, he’s got me there – that’s a good one.

Market Research (Telephone Survey), which is always a popular job to have – ask anyone answering their phone around dinnertime.

Casino Worker, because we’re gambling with our lives every time we have sex.

Consulting – everyone likes to listen to stories about the way things were 40 years ago, don’t they?

Tax Preparer: We can charge an outlandish fee for gaining extravagant, unwarranted client refunds owing to flagrant violation of the Internal Revenue Code, and prosecuted or not we solve the issue of how to occupy our time during retirement.

With the exception of Fund Raiser I fail to see anything worth pursuing. So, may I suggest alternatives that I’ve seen in practice that appear to me, at least, to be worthy?

Human Resources Representative: How is your health?

You: I have a bowel movement every morning at 6 AM.

Human Resources Representative: Well that’s wonderful.

You: Not really: I’m not out of bed until 7.

Here’s our list at The Independent Daily:

Anarchist. We know you gave up on trying to change the world 40 or 50 years ago, but consider now that you have little for which to live. You thought Nixon was bad? Look at Washington today: For the last 20 years our country has been steadily sold-off while our Constitution has been trampled into the muck. Now might be a good time to take a bullet and find a little glory. Or, do you prefer to die in bed surrounded by people who can’t wait to hear the reading of the will?

Pimp. So many widows, so little time…OK, I know: Few younger clients are going to fork out a few hundreds bucks for an Around-the-World with an 80-year-old, but who can resist going for a ride on a vintage machine for a Ten Spot? Remember it’s a case of location, location, location, as the Real Estate whores say.

Crash Test Dummy. Not the band, but as an actual Crash Test Dummy, providing real-time data to auto manufacturers and the National Highway Traffic Safety folks.

Pornographer. Combining Pimp, above, with rudimentary videography skills could result in substantial revenue opportunities. No one in our age group really wants to look at a bunch of 20-somethings naked faced with having to eventually catch a glimpse of ourselves in the mirror as we exit the shower. Sooner or later Boomer Porn will catch on, albeit not pretty.

Drug Tester. With an emphasis on E.D. drugs. Nothing to lose and everything to gain, including a seriously painful 72-hour erection.

Dope Grower. Remember Sunday Morning With The Beatles? Pinching buds off your homegrown and kicking back thinking about how beautiful the sky looked and how strange it is that men have nipples? Those days are not long gone if you so choose. And there’s probably still a market for underground Pot even though it’s becoming readily legal for Therapeutic purposes. Therapy...right.

Human Resources Representative: So when can you start?

You: Who are you again?